Copyright © 2008 Blackpoolbuzz.co.uk. All rights reserved.
It`s a bit like "Taxi Talk" only we talk Bollox!
Shop Locally During The Crunch
News Archive
One of the most interesting stories of the weekend concerns an unnamed cabbie who, following an incident in which a young lady lost control of her bladder and urinated all over his back seat, rather than rinse it out with disinfectant thought that, as it was a sunny day, just opening a window and letting it dry out was a much more efficient and effortless way of dealing with the problem plus, the green house gasses that he would be emitting from his nether regions after purchasing and eating half a dozen Kebabs (donor) as he tries to regain his strength plus the downing of sixteen pints of Lager to quench his thirst following the effort required to clean up the aforementioned lake of urine now soaking into the upholstery therefore he was also doing his bit to save the planet and denying us of those Mediterranean summers we've all been promised from the boffins as the planet warms up. What an uncaring Bastard! He will no doubt spend the next couple of weeks getting fed up with punters enquiring if he had in fact "P#ssed himself" due to the strong smell of dried urine! Perhaps Blackpool Borough Council could bear all this in mind as the Masterplan for the future of the taxi trade in the resort is currently being discussed by so few to be inflicted on oh so many and maybe, to assist in the general appearance, not to mention smell, of the resort's taxi fleet, publish a small yet useful leaflet on the most effective way of eradicating small rivers of p#ss from the back seat once the customer has alighted from the vehicle so we can be seen as doing our "Bit", oh, and maybe one on how to recycle dried up sick and discarded half eaten burgers would be a good idea too. The unnamed taxi driver in question was unavailable for comment yesterday however his spokesperson (Big Marks Mum) said "He's on the toilet having a number two can you come back when the five mile exclusion order is lifted and for gods sake put that fag out!"
Phone Crime Stoppers?!
The advert currently running on the telly and radio that states smokers buying smuggled fags are responsible for the funding of serious crime is bullshit when you really think about it. The initial reason that people buy smuggled fags is because when you buy them legally most of the money you pay for them goes to the treasury due to the amount of tax levied on them therefore the real people responsible for this illicit trade resulting in the funding of serious crime are the government. If fags cost the same as they did in neighbouring countries that are cheap and easy to get to this trade would be instantly wiped out thus eradicating the funding of the crime lords or whatever it is they are. Despite buying smuggled fags I sleep soundly due to a clear conscience thanks (once the coughing stops)
Disability Awareness And Cabbing For Biginners Part One:
Someone comes up to you on a rank they have no legs and are in a wheelchair.
Get out of your taxi and ask him or her if they would like assistance to board the vehicle. During any conversation on the journey try to avoid puns about - A: Getting legless at parties- B: Heather Mills- C: Half price sales at Tommy Balls Shoe Emporium.
Someone comes up to you on a rank and is wittering on incoherently whilst making hand gestures at you.
Give him or her a pen and paper as they are either Deaf, Dumb or both and will be going to either the Foxhall Pub or the Winter Gardens depending on where they are stood at the time.
Someone comes up to you on a rank and is wittering on incoherently whilst waving their arms about all over the place.
He or she is p#ssed, give him or her Premier Cabs phone number and point them in the direction of the nearest phone box.
Someone comes up to you on a rank and is wittering on incoherently but you can just make out that every other word is an expletive.
He or she is Scottish, ask them if they have a card with the hotels name written on it.
Someone comes up to you on a rank wearing a suit and is polite, coherent and apologises for being an inconvenience as he or she notices that you have had to avert your gaze from an interesting article on page three of the Sun.
Take this person to North Station as he or she obviously fell asleep on a train and had not intended to visit Blackpool in the first place.
Someone comes up to you on a rank and is boiling with rage despite being completely sober, he has three young tearful children in tow and a heavily pregnant wife who looks about ready to drop.
Take these unfortunate people to the headquarters of the Fylde Motor Company as their car has obviously been ticketed and towed away by Blackpool's dedicated team of parking wardens or "Collette's Clampers" as they are more commonly known as.
Someone comes up to you on a rank covered in blood demanding that you call the police.
Ignore him or her as if you do this every time when asked during the course of a shift your mobile phone bill will be the same as the price of an average family home and anyway, by the time the police arrive the victim will have died from either his or her injuries or old age with the latter being the favourite.
Someone comes up to you on a rank eating a disgusting looking Kebab, smelling of stale urine with dried sick all down the front of his or her t-shirt.
This is normal, welcome to driving a taxi in Blackpool..........................Good Luck, and may your God go with you!
"Clamper" Collette writes his last parking ticket
Former Deputy Leader of Blackpool Borough Council Eddie "Clamper" Collette has been given his marching orders by voters who booted him off the council and left him to rot on the political scrap heap. Following his humiliating defeat by his Conservative opponent the man who appeared to love the resorts Parking Wardens from Hell more than his own mother despite the fact that they had ticketed all his neighbours and scared off any holiday makers (he was spokesman for tourism) the man actually blamed "The War in Iraq" and other "National" issues as the reason for his political demise. Sources close to the faded political no hoper denied that he was now seeking to represent a borough on the Planet Mars, a place he appears to have been living on for the past five years or so. It was hoped that following the landslide Conservative takeover Blackpool could now move on and regain it's place as the UK`s top tourist destination however an undercover "MrWirrall.Com" investigation has revealed that the ousted Labour councillors have been replaced by similar unqualified brainless morons with low IQ's who just want to get one up on their neighbours and get a good seat at the Illuminations Switch on Ceremony despite it being some soon to be forgotten actor who plays Doctor Who for the next six weeks.
Hows My Driving?
Interesting to hear that one of the initiatives to improve the standard of Blackpool?s Taxi fleet is the addition of a sticker to the rear of Taxi?s asking people to phone a number if they (an unqualified member of the public) should happen to think that the vehicle is being driven in contravention of one of many "Road Traffic Acts" currently in force or even the highway code for that matter. One can only presume that this information is then received by a council employee on the other end of the phone line who is in no way qualified to assess the severity of the complaint who then passes on the information to enforcement officers who?s qualifications regarding a drivers ability to conform with all aspects of the Highway Code and all relevant road traffic acts also come into question. As none of the above appear to fit into the category of, driving examiners, current ,serving police officers with the relevant knowledge of all misdemeanours relating to the "Road Traffic Act" then surely any action they take against any driver will be deemed illegal thus allowing any driver who should suffer any trauma that resulted from this "Kangaroo Court" to sue the arse off Blackpool Borough Council resulting in a six figure sum payout with the driver having to move to Spain to live out the last of his or hers existence away from the shame and humiliation heaped upon him and his loved ones by these totally unfound and unproven allegations. Also I trust they will have video evidence and plenty of independent witness statements to back up their accusations cos I for one wasn?t driving that day cos I was at my sisters wedding in Devon and I was at the reception doing my party piece that involves myself, Auntie Sharon and an unopened bottle of Castlemain XXXX. I thought the Vicars eyes would never stop watering (He?s a missionary in Africa now).....There, we`ve said it!
Local Survey Result
With questions being asked in political circles regarding the three hundredth anniversary of the unification of England and Scotland and whether we should continue with the current status quo ( no not the bloody band) and continue to live as one we decided to send out a team of dedicated men and women to scour the Fylde coast and ask them THE important question; I.E " What nationality do you class yourself as, English, Scottish or British?" Following a poll of over five thousand people chosen at random on the streets of Blackpool and surrounding areas the answer to our question was?..Polish! Bloody Hell! there?s more living here than we thought!
Just A Thought!
As July the first approaches and smoking in taxis becomes illegal even by the driver when the cab is empty one can only assume that Blackpool Borough Council are going to cater for the vast number of Hackney drivers who smoke and subscribe to them via the inflated cost of the annual License renewal fee by installing smoking shelters near most major ranks, plus maybe a bin with an ashtray attached as they seem to feel taxi drivers are a major contributor when it comes to spoiling the unblemished reputation of a pristine, litter free resort. The non smoking members of the trade could perhaps be appeased in their grievance of favouritism to smokers by the introduction of oxygen tents at every rank situated outside license premises to protect them from the toxic gasses exhaled by the hundreds of smokers stood outside enjoying the night air and a quick fag. I can feel a petition or maybe even a day of action looming! Has anyone got Trevor`s home phone number?
Wyre Borough Council...You Ba#tards
About a year ago I decided to take Wyre Borough Councils advice and apply for a free compost bin to put in my garden to assist in saving the planet and help to protect all of God's creatures. A year down the line and everything in the compost bin is rotting nicely, so nicely that it has attracted the attention of the local wildlife i.e. RATS! The big one that sits daily on the bird table is cute therefore ,despite my neighbours pleas to let him "Shoot the Bastard" I decide to put down a "Humane Rat Catcher" with the intention to let him or her go in a not too nearby field. Alas the Rat is having none of it and continues to steal the food put out to assist the birds during the mating season. "Rats can have up to seventy offspring at a time" my bloodthirsty neighbour informs me as I ponder on my next move, "They carry all sorts of diseases" He adds as he blows the cobwebs off a former imitation firearm that now fired perfectly and accurately following some "Tweaking" by a nine year old gang member in London who later sold it on EBay to the budding Gangster who lives next door to me yet sees little action in a small rural village that puts discarded dog pooh high on the agenda of heinous crimes therefore he's itching for some action and a "Kill" is a "Kill" even if it is only a rat. A week went by and still the rat refused to go into the humane trap and at least stay there until the cage shut tight instead of nicking the bait and buggering off back to the safety of the compost bin. At night as I sat in my garden sipping a glass of cheap South African wine the evensong of the birds roosting in my apple tree was regularly broken by the sound of small calibre bullets hitting empty tins as my neighbour practised his sharp shooting skills while at the same time sharpening his new nine inch hunting knife that he got off a bloke with a twitch at a car boot sale. Enough was enough I decided and, with a heavy heart I placed some rat poison in the compost bin. Two days later the large rat that used to sit on my bird table had failed to turn up and despite my misgivings about killing one of Gods creatures I started to feel a bit better. That was of course until a tiny, fluffy baby rat with big brown sorry eyes appeared on the bird table and looked at me as if to say "Hey mister, what have you done with my mum and why do I feel so sick". I cried so much the tears almost saved me from the sight of my neighbours new nine inch blade decapitating the little feller and putting him out of his misery so soon into his new life. Please consider this a warning in case you too are thinking about acquiring a compost bin as they only lead to heartache! Wyre Borough Council, you Ba#tards! (Roland : 2007- 2007)
Blakpool Visitor Number Dwindles Mystery
Blackpool Borough Council were said to be baffled yesterday following statistics showing a dramatic downturn in the number of people visiting the town centre, "We are completely baffled" said councillor Eddie "Clamper" Collette as he paused from helping a parking warden load a car on to a low loader that had gone more than two minutes over it's paid time at a parking meter "Work like this helps to free up parking spaces for other cars to park and helps in the general movement of the traffic throughout the town" he lied while salivating profusely from his lower lip. "If we didn't do this then motorists would go to a town that had more parking spaces and a fairer way of knowing how long you are going to stay (Preston for example) therefore we are helping to boost the number of tourist and shoppers that visit our beautiful resort and its abundance shops displaying a variety high quality goods at only a pound for every item purchased (Pound Stretcher, Gifts Galore and the likes) by freeing up the parking spaces for our next victim, sorry, customer". We then proceeded to question him about the rumours that his parking wardens strong arm tactics were said to giving shopping giant Debenhams pause for thought about moving into the new Hounds Hill when it's completed, he said, "We are not in the least bit interested in any unfound and potentially politically damaging rumours such as these and anyway we've got Lidle and Aldi both begging us to give them that prime spot so Debenhams had better pull their fingers out or they can f#ck right off!" No members of Park Rite, the council run company that employs the parking wardens were available for comment yesterday as they were all on a fact finding tour of the Bahamas (again)
Copyright .2008 Mrwirrall.com. All rights reserved.
Strike One
Following yet another dismal season, increased running costs, weekend spot checks and three years of non stop harassment by Blackpool Borough Council's new team of License enforcement officers moral in the taxi trade here in Blackpool has hit an all time low. Things came to a head on Saturday night when, after receiving the councils future blueprint for the trade in the post that very morning, cabbies where confronted with yet more Saturday night "Spot-checks" by enforcement officers who handpicked the most likely vehicles (i.e. the oldest) and sent them down to the council depot for mini Pit Tests. Tempers were running high among cabbies following last weeks instant ?2oo fine imposed on a cabbie with a young family to support for merely not displaying the correct "No Smoking" warning notices despite not being advised of his duties in this matter by the council. The last straw came when depot workers apparently burst into laughter as they unscrewed the taxi plate from a cab after they failed it for an alleged breach of the Road Traffic Act and shouted "Bring me some more to take off the road" Yet another cabbie with a family to feed had to admit defeat and face the fact that he was to earn no money for at least two or three days. As the laughter of the council employees faded in the depot it seemed to echo and get louder on the streets of Blackpool as their unprofessional and despicable behaviour started to grate on the hearts and minds of the hard working men and women on duty in the town. Finally they could take no more and in an unprecedented move they decided to take matters into their own hands and take industrial action by refusing to work and drive slowly around the town centre to let the local population know of their grievances'. At approximately 12.45am cabbies started to merge at Blackpool's North Station, when numbers reached 100 they decided to move off and drive around town, top signs off, sear belts on. Never, in over twenty years of driving a cab have I seen such support of a refusal to work during such a busy time such is the strength of feeling. Traffic had to be diverted and the police looked worried until we assured them that we would return in an hour to clear up the chaos that was rapidly developing. It was a night that made me proud to be a Blackpool Cabbie as door staff and revellers alike cheered in support for our cause. The action taken over the weekend was on the spur of the moment by word of mouth and we feel sure that more will be taken but in a much grander scale possibly including private hire vehicles as the organisation increases if the council continue to harass an honest band of men and women in this callous way as they strive to irk out a living in this rundown holiday resort that is failing to get a grip with the decline it is going through. A spokesman for the trade said "The council are not listening to the men and women who drive the taxis in this town therefore it's time we took a stand and made them listen". He also added that they were concerned by reports in the press by a police spokesman that they encouraged private hire vehicles to enter the town centre during the strike to pick up people wanting taxis despite the fact that these vehicles were acting illegally as they can only carry pre booked jobs thus rendering their insurance invalid not to mention the breaking of numerous By Laws that they appeared to be aiding and abetting if the spokesman is to be believed
Strike Two
The second phase of industrial action by Blackpool cabbies took place on Saturday October13th at approximately 12.45am following yet more heavy handed harassment by License enforcement officers as they took to the streets of the resort on a weekend night meaning any action taken against an allegedly unroadworthy taxi would cause maximum financial hardship to both owner and driver as no work could be carried out until at least Monday morning. As was in the case of the last operation of this type they targeted the older type FX4 vehicles struggling to cope with Blackpool's crumbling road network thus rendering any claims of "Random Testing" obsolete and as of in the case of the last operation where a cabbie with a new baby in the house faced possible weeks of going without a means to feed his family one of the first lads to have his plates ceremoniously removed from his cab was someone who really didn't need the extra stress in his life following so soon after the tragic death of his second partner in only five years. It was at this point we realised that we were just faceless statistics instead of human beings to this particular branch of Blackpool Borough Council as they attempted to justify their main goal in the introduction of vehicle age constraints whatever the cost to those who strived to earn an honest living in the trade during the current recession. To them they are a statistic to quote at council meetings and to the press, to us they are people we know and work with who have families, hopes and dreams as they go through life and all the upsets it throws at them.With this in mind and with heavy hearts we decided to strike yet again. The turn out once more was unbelievable as over one hundred and twenty vehicles ( I counted them myself ) gathered at Lonsdale Road car park before doing a slow drive through town ( ensuring that one lane was clear for emergency vehicles ) with members of the public cheering us on despite the fact they could not get home. The resulting coverage from both Newspaper and radio articles shows that support for our cause is indeed gaining strength. We look forward to round three and the implementation of the new campaign from the day drivers (see our sister website for details). Never before has the taxi trade in Blackpool been in such turmoil." Jumbo" (The licensing legend we all knew, loved and took notice of, god rest his soul) would surely be turning in his grave! The unrest and ill feeling in the trade has reached unprecedented proportions what with longer hours, dearer costs, fewer visitors, constant harassment from licensing and the increasing threat of violence from the drunken mob. You would think that the job of Licensing would be to try to bring the trade together and work through any problems thus creating a better service for the public not harras them until they are not only forced to withdraw their labour but see them as the enemy..
Scroll Down For Latest Additions
B Tec Course The Truth Uncouvered!
A local cabbie with over thirty years experience in the job decided to do a little undercover work and accept the council's invitation to be one of the first to take the new B Tec course free of charge thus saving himself between 40 and 160 pounds in the near future depending on who you are to believe. This course is supposed prepare new taxi drivers for the environment they are about to encounter and retrain experienced cabbies in the ways of the modern world thus making them better qualified to do the job in question. Imagine the unnamed cabbies amusement as it turned out that the people running the course didn't know the difference between an FX4, TX1, TX2, saloon, mini bus or any other type of vehicle commonly used as a taxi locally and had to send out for pictures so they could have a quick look before gracing the class with their worldly knowledge on this subject. He did however struggle to contain himself from rolling on the floor in fits of hysterics when it turned out that his tutor was an ex hotelier from out of town who had never driven a taxi in his life. Although this totally worthless new qualification has absolutely nothing in common with the real aspects of driving a cab it will be compulsory to have it if you wish to do contract work with local authorities as of November a fact that will not be lost on experienced cabbies who shun this work and try to hide from the dispatcher when these type of discounted jobs start to mount up and can't be covered by the cabs that are available. When quizzed on if he felt he had learnt anything following his success on passing this new qualification our undercover cabbie replied "Yes, the A roads on maps are in red" He did add that he stopped laughing when he realised just how ridiculous things had become. All joking aside you would have thought that if Blackpool council wanted this course to be taken seriously and had access to a single working brain cell they would of employed a person who actually knew about the trade rather than a pal from the golf club who was probably down on his luck due to his hotel going bust through mismanagement (allegedly) and his only experience with taxis was riding in the back of one while slightly merry following the office Christmas party when he was nineteen and worked for the Civil Service.
Blackpool Borough Council Enhancing Your Taxi Experience
Following one of the worst seasons on record with takings in the trade down, half the hotels in the resort for sale and the place looking so menacing and scruffy that even the tide appears to be reluctant to come back in Blackpool Borough Council decide that now is the perfect time to heap a sh#t load of financial pressure on Taxi drivers and owners alike by upgrading the fleet and it's drivers to reflect some bustling resort full of promise rather than this one that is falling deeper into recession by the day. These new restrictions and demands on taxi owners and their drivers could possibly see the resorts taxi trade go into meltdown as costs go through the roof. As a final nail in the coffin for this p#ss poor season they try to discourage delegates to the Tory conference from riding in taxis by issuing them with free bus passes telling them we are environmentally unfriendly! Yes, the last bloody decent conference this town is going to get for years and yet again they sh#t on us by pulling this despicable stunt to advertise the council owned bus company. Feelings are running high at the moment and who can blame this bunch of honest hard working men and women as they are being driven to breaking point by a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buffoons who see the resort through rose tinted glasses and appear to have the IQ of Forrest Gump. We fear the strike a few weeks ago is just the tip of the iceberg as the council appear intent on pushing us all over the edge with these ridiculous new proposals and regulations. A second strike was only averted at the last minute by a slim majority though we feel more action is inevitable. Next year our badges will cost over two hundred pounds to renew, add this to the cost of three pit tests, MOT`s, B Tec courses and newer vehicles if the council get their way and we predict a mass exodus from the trade by experienced drivers and owners alike as takings continue to drop while costs escalate. The result? Not enough cabs on the roads so deregulation, the final result? A fleet of cheap but newer saloon type vehicles not up to the job driven by east European immigrants who haven't got a clue where the Tower is let alone the shortest route to it as they learnt the easy knowledge questions off by heart. As we are having a moan can anyone tell me what the tutor for the B Tec course knows about driving a cab as he appears to be an ex hotelier from out of town who has never driven a cab in his life and had to have the difference between an FX 4, TX1, mini bus and saloon car explained to him via pictures. You couldn't make it up? You don't have to with Blackpool Borough Council.
We Love Councillor Maxine Callow!
In an incredible U Turn of what appears to be official council policy a leading Blackpool councillor has actually recognised the fact that the resorts cabbies are human beings, some with families to feed and mortgages to pay trying to earn a living and not something they've just trodden in as is the case of the majority of them, most notably the licensing department itself who appear to be under the misguided impression that we are a bunch of string vest wearing highway robbers who have no morals , feelings, eat babies for breakfast and have no idea how to do the job courteously, in roadworthy vehicles with a smile on our faces while adhering to the basic rules of the Highway Code despite the fact some have been doing it successfully for decades. For those of you who aren't familiar with the case in point it relates to the possible closure of Bryan Road rank, a feeder to the Number Three pub and also a good one for picking up passing trade. Following complaints from people living nearby that the rank was too noisy due to its popularity as it was a good earner for cabbies the licensing department followed the usual path of thinking that is "All cabbies are at fault, devil worshipers and a blight on the community therefore they must be punished" they therefore asked for the rank to be closed after 7pm (it's busiest time) They failed to explain just where the taxis wishing to feed onto the Number Three rank would go as everyone except the people who are in charge of taxis in this town know they would not simply disappear but remain in the area waiting for a space. They also showed their complete disregard for the needs of the cabbies in their plight to earn money to feed their families and pay their bills as the resort goes through the worst recession in its history. Just as we all feared the powers that be had got their evil way and closed yet another avenue of possible income in stepped an unlikely "Fairy Godmother" in the shape of councillor Maxine Callow (god bless her) who actually stated that the resorts cabbies were "Decent, honest people who are trying to earn a living and support their families" At last someone in the council recognises us for what we really are and what we are trying to do. We salute her
Blackpool Councillor Accuses Cabbies Of Being Human!
Trading Standards
We were surprised to hear Trading Standards head of quality standards Tim Coglan complain in the Evening Gazette that a stall holder at a car boot sale in Norcross had sold him a poor quality pirate copy of the new Indiana Jones film "The Crystal Skull" for a mere ?2.50. Surely he of all people should know that most New Releases sold at car boot sales are of dodgy quality therefore his best bet would have been to download the film free online via one of the many file sharing websites like the rest of us, and as for telling the press, well, we feel a man with his experience really should have known better than to have gone public with his own misfortune!
Let The Claim Take The Strain!
We were surprised to spot a "Bouncer" with "Taxi Marshal" emblazoned on the back of his Day-Glo jacket trying to look invisible while scribbling down what appeared to be taxi registration numbers on Queen Street on Friday night. Now, we don't know what kind of training this Pub doorman has to go through to rise to such greatness as to be able to "Marshal" Blackpool's taxi fleet that consists of newly trained drivers who cannot possibly be doing anything wrong bearing in mind the new qualification most have recently acquired from the local college at great expense to taxpayers, however , we would like to question what use any information he gained ( some in joined up writing) would be to anyone who cared. He did try running away when a curious driver tried to tackle him however it turned out he was called Paul and was working on his own initiative and yes he was bullied at school and one day wanted to become a parking warden just like his dad. We would like to take this opportunity to remind all drivers they are now entitled to join BLTOA this would entitle them to ring a hotline number 24 / 7 that puts them through to a solicitor that specialises in the law regarding Taxi's and private hires. What we are trying to say here is the spotty urchin with "Bum Fluff" on his chin was even taking the numbers of taxi's that were offloading on Queen Street and when we had a quick look at his hastily scribbled etchings we noticed that one or two were crossed out cos they were police cars! We feel BLTOA should be getting a "No Win No Fee" Solicitor on board if this is an insight into the new tactics of the "War On Taxis" that appears to be continuing in Blackpool. (We would like to add as a footnote that we did feel the "Taxi Bouncer" was in fact a bit of a tit and probably doing it on his own back as relations with Licensing and enforcement appeared to have got a lot better lately) As per usual see sister website for latest contingency plans although things have quietened down on that front recently therefore only bother if it's been a while (email usual address for any forgotten passwords)
Taxi Srewards Or Tossers?
Remember how it was that following alleged "Bungs" to taxi drivers from massage parlours rumours went round that a certain taxi driver was paying doormen at lap dancing venues ?5 per head to supply him with punters? We all got to thinking that doormen would do just about anything to earn a few extra bob and some cabbies were nothing short of c#nts! Well it now seems that the resorts doormen's integrity has yet again been put to the test and failed as accusations come to light that doormen employed as "Taxi Stewards" are allegedly taking money from private hire drivers by phoning them when an "Out Of Borough" job hits the head of the queue by informing the customer they would be ripped off by a hackney and would be better off waiting opposite the rank for a taxi he would phone for them thus giving the PH a good job and the doorman a nice backhander, now , we don't know if that story is true or not but after witnessing a doorman with "Taxi Steward" on the back of his jacket taking numbers of taxi's that rank up on Queen Street iligally while trying to look invisible we are finding stories like this easier to believe!
Ian takes up the story "I had just spent the last five months sketching the entire Manchester City football team on my Etch-O-Sketch and had toiled with it for four hours that night putting the finishing touches to Martin Petrov`s big nose. Satisfied with my many months of labour I placed the Etch-O-Sketch on the kitchen table and went to the fridge to pour myself glass of much earned Champaign, yes Champaign as I felt I had earned it and it was a masterpiece worthy of a celebratory drink and I had bought a special bottle for this very moment" At this point in the interview his eyes started to glaze over and his bottom lip was trembling, "It was five to one and all I could hear was the bubbles from the glass I had just poured then, suddenly, I felt a rumbling sensation in my lower body and although that is not an uncommon occurrence it is not normally followed my the house shaking on it's foundations for a full ten seconds. The noise was unbearable but just as quick as it started it stopped and the house returned to a complete eerie silence closely followed by the wife appearing at the foot of the stairs asking me if I had just set fire to one of my farts ( a party trick of mine). I assured her that all was ok led her back up the stairs reminding her that she had to be up at five am to do her paper round as we needed the extra income should City make it into the Champions League next season following an unexpected fourth place finish in the Premiership as there was no way I was going to miss a match, home or away and money was tight" The hint of a small tear appeared to be developing in his eyes and we wondered if it was the devastating effect the earthquake had on his Etch-O-Sketch or City's P#ss poor results over the past few weeks resulting in Everton looking like they were heading for the Big Money League. "I went to pick up my Etch-O-Sketch masterpiece from the table to photograph the result and noticed to my horror that the screen was now blank!" It was at this point in the interview that we decided to terminate our interrogation as he was clearly becoming more mentally unstable with every syllable and suffering from "Post Quake Trauma". A spokesman from the British Geological Survey said yesterday "We do normally advise people living in areas susceptible to Earthquakes to ensure that they never leave Etch-o-Sketches unattended during incidents of seismic activity as any work may well be lost due to excessive shaking" Ian last made the headlines three years ago after spending six months sculpturing an exact replica of Manchester City's Main Road Stadium out of a block of ice on his kitchen table only to see it melt and lost forever just minutes before a Granada news team arrived to film it for prosperity after his wife came home one day and put the central heating on due to it being a little chilly outside. His hopes for artistic recognition suffered a further blow when he submitted film of his interpretation of Sir Alex Ferguson sculptured entirely from human excrement to the Turner Prize committee who deemed it as nothing special and pointed out that most human turds, when studied carefully, did in fact resemble the red nosed maestro without alteration by human touch.
"My Earthquake Hell" By Ian Neely
